Wednesday, August 21, 2013


Right after Andrew died I started saying that I felt like half of my own self was gone. We were so connected and the feelings brought about by his absence were beyond peculiar -- I definitely did not feel any sort of normal. Eight months on, I still feel strange most days -- as if I'm continually forgetting to do something important, but can't begin to remember what it is.  It's a very weird way to go through life.

People keep telling me how lucky we were to have shared such a deep and profound love. And I suppose that's true. It would surely be torturous to exist day after day in a loveless, or even tepid sort of relationship. Though our marriage went through the normal rocky periods, we were unfailingly smitten with each other, and so always managed to find our way through. I'm sorry to think that there are probably many people who never get to experience that deep connection with another person.  I'm sure I should be feeling incredible gratitude for the time that we had. But right now I'm not feeling so grateful. I'm feeling greedy. I'm greedy for more delicious years with my husband. I'm greedy for his humor, his humanity, and his kindness. Greedy for his great looks, his fearlessness, and his beautiful mind. But I'm mostly greedy for his conversation. Oh, the conversation! Seventeen years of the funniest, most intelligent, insane, and interesting conversations possible. This will come as no surprise to anyone who spent even a small amount of time with him.  Wherever he was was usually the most interesting place to be.

Andrew was intensely curious about the world -- he quizzed people endlessly about their lives, and their thoughts, and he especially loved to provoke their reactions! He read constantly and was incredibly well informed about subjects he found interesting. He could debate anyone and generally would. My sister-in-law once became uncomfortable, thinking we were fighting -- I had to say "No, this is just how we talk! We're animated, we debate, we argue." But the debates were never angry or hostile - they were full of passion and love and vigor, and life.  The part of our day I most enjoyed was evening, after work and dinner. The boys would finish their dinners and head off to play -- Andrew and I would stay at the table for as long as possible, finishing our wine and just talking about everything and nothing at all. Such bliss.

Our conversation -- constant, thrilling, hilarious, ridiculous, inspiring, and never, ever boring -- was our unique way of being in the world together. Now, I find that I go long stretches each day without ever speaking a word. The silence in the evenings after the boys are asleep can be be positively deafening. The conversation has disappeared with my husband -- I've lost half my own self, and don't think I'll ever be quite whole again.

Around our table -- the site of so much great conversation.


  1. Brought tears to my eyes. Very eloquent words, and so true. He was such a great person - and you two were born for each other. Hope you're doing OK.

  2. It's 6:30am in Sydney. The sun is raising over the ocean and onto my face. I read all of your posts this morning like chapters in a book. Tears fill my eyes and blur the sun before escaping down my cheek. You are an extraordinary woman Linda and I am proud to know you. I look up to you. I try to measure my challenges against yours and I receive perspective. I pray for my courage to not be tested to the level yours is every day as I fear I could not match yours.
    You are an inspiration and your journey is a gift to those of us who love you and loved Andrew. Sending love and support to you and your beautiful boys from the other side of the world.
    Andrew x

  3. Im not sure how i found this bur whenever im in NY i always think of Andrew from our days at NYPW. I was there with him the night he secured the space and was funny looking at the old bank and the big vault door. He always encouraged me and helped me book a few gigs and introduced me to the right people. Sometimes when i was down i would dtop by and just talk with him about acting. I was happy to be in the first production at the school. I wish i could see myself on that but im sure its somehwere in the archives. I know you never heard of me or knew me but your husband was a really nice guy to me and was always available for encouragement. We even talked about golfand i didnt realize how good he was until he showed me. God bless you and your family Linda during this time and although i didnt speak to him i was hoping to visit in the city when i was in. It would have been good to see him and im sorry for your loss... God bless Linda from Neal Ronson

  4. The whole team of sympathize with your grief greatly! We did not know Andrew in person but judging from your portrait-despription he was a wonderful and witty person! Dear, do not give up! Our souls are eternal!